when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
