You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
