She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
