You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
