Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
