you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
