My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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