I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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