Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
