I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Shitshow foam night was such a success
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
