I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
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