I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
