forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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