Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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