I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I am midnight drunk by noon
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
