I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
