Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I will be naked everywhere
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
