Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
