It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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