apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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