Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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