When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
