Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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