hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
