Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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