I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize