I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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