i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
