I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
