dude i'm inner monologue high
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
