my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
