I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
