i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
