Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
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