Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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