the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
