how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.