She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
