she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
