people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
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sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
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If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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