So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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