In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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