It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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