My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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