I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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