i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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