my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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