the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
