Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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