Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
