She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
