I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
