I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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