I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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