So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Randomize
