I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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