if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize