I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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