goodnight i made you a song goodbye
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
