if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
