Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
